I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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