I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
