I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Randomize
