Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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