thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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