I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
