i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
