I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
