We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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