imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
