I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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