I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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