is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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