...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
