what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
