Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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