she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
