peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
