i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I need a beard to bite.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize