Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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