One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
