Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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