he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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