it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
