and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
