Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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