Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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