The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
