i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
