so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The beer is more important than you right now.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
