you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
