I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
