she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
