if you like me you must not know who I am
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
