I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
two words: eviction party
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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