I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
