I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
