She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
