Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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