my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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