well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
