my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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