my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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