Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
