last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
