Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
