Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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