I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
