Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
