this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
