Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
