I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
