you have to choose: penises or morals?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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