i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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