Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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