uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
