I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
