i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
