Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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