fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This is the high leading the old right now
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
